NUMB

I'm turning 23 this June, yet nothing has changed in my life. My mom works in a state university as a librarian, every time she comes home from work, she rests then eat dinner (sometimes she doesn't) and sleep. My father has no permanent work, cause he is drunk most of the time, he sleeps for like 3-5 hours then drink again with his friends. 

For 23 years, living with that same routine every day would make you emotionally numb. Numb to being disappointed of what kind of family you have. I grew up without my mom assisting me on my home-works, projects and school stuff. I learned not to depend on them especially on school works. And maybe that is the reason why my mom and I are not close, close enough to share my struggles at school, peer pressure and stuffs.

I have bipolar syndrome, We all have our ups and downs, but with bipolar disorder, these peaks and valleys are more severe. The symptoms of bipolar disorder can hurt your job and school performance, damage your relationships, and disrupt your daily life. It's treatable but many people don't even know they have bipolar disorder. 

"Bipolar disorder (also known as manic depression) causes serious shifts in mood, energy, thinking, and behavior—from the highs of mania on one extreme, to the lows of depression on the other. More than just a fleeting good or bad mood, the cycles of bipolar disorder last for days, weeks, or months. And unlike ordinary mood swings, the mood changes of bipolar disorder are so intense that they interfere with your ability to function.

During a manic episode, a person might impulsively quit a job, charge up huge amounts on credit cards, or feel rested after sleeping two hours. During a depressive episode, the same person might be too tired to get out of bed, and full of self-loathing and hopelessness over being unemployed and in debt.

The causes of bipolar disorder aren't completely understood, but it often appears to be hereditary. The first manic or depressive episode of bipolar disorder usually occurs in the teenage years or early adulthood. " http://www.helpguide.org/mental/bipolar_disorder_symptoms_treatment.htm

I'm the type of person who easily gets offended, and every time I get offended I go through this depression where I wanted to cry, I want to die, it seems like my heart would burst. Every time I think of how my family works, what set up we have at home, that triggers my depression. My family knows when I have mood swings by the way I act, cause I'd stay at my room or somewhere quiet, sit on a corner with my blank face.

Being numb is the only choice I have, being numb to my emotions. I have lots of questions on my mind, but I'm afraid to ask, afraid to know the answer. I don't know what is wrong with me or with my family, why we have a set up like this.